Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Can Your Emotions Make You Sick?

I didn't want to go to dance class today but I made myself. I wanted to sit on my couch and do nothing (well, as nothing as surfing the web can be); I wanted to save my energy for my run. No, I thought to myself, I'm just being lazy. I hauled my butt off the couch, got dressed and then headed off to dance with my cell phone in my hand. I had missed a call from a co-worker so I texted her. It needed to be a phone call, it had to do with a complaint that was filed against her for a privacy breach (We work with people's income and medical information, this is not an accusation to be taken lightly in our office and can result in dismissal), and she just really needed to talk to someone so we'd talk after my class. I already wasn't feeling well and now I felt down right sick.

I have to back track a bit here: back in September, a grievance was filed when I got a new position by two people who I have a history with. This isn't the forum to get into the why's and all that, but I do know that this grievance was thrown out at the start of this week. Today, one of those people wrote a letter to my supervisor to accuse two of my friends of a breach of privacy which happened a week ago. Let me repeat that: a breach of privacy which happened a week ago. She wrote the email today. The grievance was dismissed on Monday. I can't help but feel that this is in retaliation for the unsuccessful grievance and therefore, through a long and twisted history of Catholic guilt, I am some how responsible for this happening.

I threw myself into the class like I never had before, both figuratively and literally. I had so much anger and I tossed my body about like some sort of rag doll. I hit a point where I knew I should pull back on the moves and the energy, but I couldn't. There was so much frustration and aggression in me and if I didn't leave it on the dance floor, I would carry it with me into work tomorrow. Towards the end of class, I felt myself growing faint but I wasn't done so I pushed a little bit further. I finished my class, I left without saying a word to anyone, I walked a few blocks away from the main road, and then I threw up in a flower garden.

I didn't feel great before the class but I didn't feel sick. Lethargic, that would be the word to discribe how I felt. Instead of taking it easy, which was my intention when I got off the couch, I pushed and pushed myself until I was physically ill. I've never done that before (I'm usually very good at listening to my body), and I found it very scary so I cancelled my run and spent the evening thinking... a lot. I like my job and I'm really good at it, but is the stress caused by these specific coworkers really worth it? It is said that stress both contributes to weight gain and makes weight loss more difficult. If I am to be successful with my goals, I am obviously going to need to address this issue.

I had positive things I wanted to talk about in my post today, but they will have to wait for tomorrow... assuming the moving scarecrow doesn't get me in my sleep.

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